Staying Cool Under Fire: A Therapist's Guide to De-Escalation and Hard Conversation

From the All Peacemakers Needed Video Series| Interview with Glenn Heap, LMFT

Have you ever watched a simple disagreement spiral into a full-blown argument and wondered how it happened so fast? Whether it's a money conversation with a spouse, a tense moment at work, or a difficult situation in your community, conflict has a way of escalating before we even realize it.

In a recent episode of the All Peacemakers Needed podcast, host Janet Haight sat down with her brother Glenn Heap, a licensed marriage and family therapist since 1996 with decades of experience in social work, teaching, and private practice, to talk about exactly this: how to stay cool under fire, de-escalate tense situations, and have the hard conversations that actually lead somewhere.

Watch the full video interview below, and read on for the key insights from their conversation.

Why Small Disagreements Escalate So Quickly

One of the first questions Janet posed to Glenn was one most of us have wondered about: why do small disagreements escalate so fast?

Glenn's answer was direct: "I think it's because we feel threatened, not by the matter at hand, necessarily, but something more deep."

When a conversation touches on something that feels like a personal attack even if that wasn't the intention we shift into defense mode. The topic stops being the issue. Instead, the conversation becomes about who's right and who's wrong. And from there, things escalate quickly.

He illustrated this with a story from his years as a child welfare social worker in East Los Angeles, a story that beautifully demonstrates the difference between a confrontational approach and one grounded in empathy and clear goals.

Glenn was tasked with removing an infant from a home where the mother, who was struggling with addiction, had been using drugs. His supervisor suggested calling in law enforcement. Glenn declined because he knew that bringing armed officers would escalate an already volatile situation.

Instead, he walked in calmly, greeted the mother with warmth, acknowledged the situation honestly, and gave her something important: a choice. He asked her to name the top five people she'd want her baby placed with. He promised to do criminal background checks and honor her preferences as much as possible.

The result? She teared up, hugged him, and handed over the list. No conflict. No confrontation. Just a goal keeping the baby safe.

Key Insight:

Before you try to de-escalate a situation, ask yourself: what is my actual goal here? If you keep your goal front of mind, it's much harder to get pulled into who's right and who's wrong.

Don't Escalate Before You De-Escalate

One of Glenn's most practical points was this: "Before we talk about de-escalating, I think we need to be aware not to escalate. That's the first thing we want to do stay away from escalation."

This sounds obvious, but it's easy to miss. We often walk into hard conversations already primed to defend ourselves with our language, tone, and body language all set to "attack." That posture guarantees a fight before a word is spoken.

Glenn outlined several things that immediately escalate a conversation:

• Threatening language ("I'll divorce you if you keep this up")

• Absolute statements ("You never do the dishes," "You always do this")

• Attacking someone's character or judging their choices

• Removing the other person's agency or choices

• Controlling the conversation with ultimatums

Recognize Your Own Fight-or-Flight Response

Glenn spent time in the interview explaining how our bodies signal when we're in fight-or-flight mode and why it's essential to recognize those signals before continuing a difficult conversation.

Signs you may be in fight-or-flight include:

• Feeling heated or flushed

• Sweating, headache, or neck and back pain

• Nausea, dizziness, or shallow breathing

• A feeling of tunnel vision or "seeing stars"

When these symptoms show up, Glenn says, your prefrontal cortex the part of the brain responsible for reasoning and decision-making is essentially offline. You are, as he put it memorably, "drunk with anger."

"When I'm angry, I'm drunk," he said. "And I shouldn't drive. I shouldn't buy a house. I shouldn't propose marriage. And I shouldn't have this conversation right now."

The solution isn't to suppress the emotion, it's to step away, regulate, and come back. Take a walk. Listen to music. Get something to drink. Give yourself 20–30 minutes to return to a clear-headed state. Then come back to the conversation.

How to Step Away Without Making It Worse

Stepping away is important — but how you do it matters just as much. There's a big difference between stonewalling (going silent, leaving without explanation, or punishing someone with your absence) and a healthy pause.

Glenn's advice: own your emotional state, commit to returning, and don't blame the other person for your need to step away.

Instead of:

"You're so difficult, I need a break."

Try:

"I'm seeing stars right now. I need to take a walk. I'll come back to this in 30 minutes."

He also shared one of his favorite phrases — one his wife taught him: "Can we start over?" No blame, no accusation, just a simple reset that acknowledges the conversation isn't going well without making it anyone's fault.

"I didn't feel condemned or blamed," Glenn recalled. "She acknowledged that it wasn't going well, and we just... started over."

Phrases That Help — and Phrases That Hurt

Glenn and Janet walked through several examples of language that opens conversations versus language that shuts them down.

Helpful phrases:

• "I want to hear your perspective."

• "Tell me why you feel this way."

• "Let me make sure I'm hearing you correctly..."

• "We don't have to decide this today."

• "Can we start over?"

• "I want to propose something — when would be a good time to talk about it?"

Harmful phrases to avoid:

• "You never..." / "You always..."

• "I'm doing this no matter what."

• "I can't believe you."

• "You should be ashamed of yourself."

• Threats of any kind — divorce, legal action, cutting off the relationship

Listen to Understand, Not to Respond

One of Glenn's most powerful pieces of advice was about how we listen. Most of us, in the middle of a disagreement, are only half-listening the rest of our mental energy is already forming our counter-argument.

Glenn calls this "listening to respond" instead of "listening to understand." The antidote is to reflect back what you heard before you respond not as a tactic, but as a genuine act of trying to understand.

He demonstrated this with a private vs. public school debate between a couple. Rather than immediately defending their own position, the goal is to say: "Let me make sure I'm hearing you — you said the neighborhood has changed, the school has had instability in leadership, and you think the private school community would give our family a built-in support system. Am I hearing that right?"

The Power of Understatement

Glenn closed the conversation with what he called his final piece of advice and it's one that stuck with Janet too: the art of understatement.

The idea is simple: when you need to raise something sensitive, state it — but go under. Don't overstate, don't catastrophize, don't use the harshest version of what you feel. Use the softer version.

He shared an example from his therapy practice: a mother brought in her 7-year-old daughter, who was significantly overweight. Rather than saying something jarring, Glenn simply said, "I notice your daughter is a little big." That gentle understatement opened the door. The mother said, "A little big? She's very big, that's why we're here." And suddenly they could actually talk about it.

He applied the same idea to marriage: instead of saying "You never make time for me," try "I felt a little lonely the last few weekends when you were called away for work." One statement creates a fight. The other opens a conversation.

"State, but just go under a little bit," Glenn said. There's no argument when you understate. There's no wall to climb over.

Watch the Full Interview

This blog post captures the highlights, but the full conversation goes even deeper with more real-life stories, specific examples for workplace conflict, and Glenn's perspective on how faith and community shape our ability to make peace.

Watch the full interview at the top of this page, and if it resonated with you, share it with someone who might need it.

Because ALL PEACEMAKERS ARE NEEDED!