Dignity Index and the Quiet Work of Peacemaking

What if the difference between conflict and connection isn't about changing the other person — but about paying attention to your own words?

That's the quiet power at the heart of a recent conversation on the All Peacemakers Needed video series. Host Bonnie Bingham sat down with Tami Pyfer, a mom, grandma of sixteen, and co-creator of the Dignity Index — a tool so simple and so clear that it might just reshape your life.

This is not a conversation about politics or policy. It's about learning to say "I might be wrong" instead of declaring someone evil. About understanding that the language we choose in conflict either builds bridges or burns them down. About discovering that peacemaking doesn't require a title or a platform — just the willingness to look at your own words first.

Watch the full video interview below, then read on for the highlights.

Understanding the Scale

Tami started by showing us something tangible: a visual scale that runs from 1 to 8. At the bottom is contempt. At the top is dignity.

"It measures the language that we use when we are in conflict, when we disagree with someone, maybe when we're angry or when we're hurt," she explained.

Here's what she found: when we're faced with disagreement, it's human nature to find someone to blame. That instinct — scapegoating, as it's been called for centuries — is where the slide toward contempt begins. And once it begins, it accelerates.

At the bottom of the scale, you're dehumanizing. You're using the language of genocide, the language of political violence. At the top, you're seeing the common humanity in the person you disagree with most.

From Contempt to Dignity

Let's go down the scale to understand what Tami means.

At a four: "We're better than those people. They don't really belong. They're not one of us."

At a three: "We're the good people and they're the bad people."

At a two: "They're going to ruin everything I care about. They're evil."

At a one: Complete dehumanization. The language shifts to: "They're not even human, so it's our moral duty to destroy them." It's genocide language. It's political violence language. And as Tami pointed out quietly, we're hearing echoes of it now.

But climb the other direction and everything changes.

At a five: "The other side has a right to be here and a right to be heard. I'm going to listen."

At a six: You start looking for common ground. You actively trust that there are shared values to find.

At a seven: You ask genuine questions about why someone sees things so differently. And here's where it gets real: you might discover you were wrong. Your view might shift once you understand their experience.

At an eight: "Everyone is born with inherent worth, so we treat everyone with dignity, no matter what."

The leap from six to seven is the hardest one. That's where you have to say, "I might be wrong." It requires curiosity, humility, vulnerability. In the middle of a family argument or a political fight, that's genuinely scary.

But, Tami said, it's also where the highest dignity lives.

The Mirror Moment

When the Dignity Index team first designed the scale, they meant to score other people's speech — especially politicians. A candidate who speaks in contempt all the time probably can't govern well. You can't solve problems alongside people you claim to hate.

Then something unexpected happened.

"When we started to teach people the score, they started to turn the scale on themselves and say, well, actually, I think that's me," Tami said.

That was the big aha moment. The Dignity Index's real power isn't in judging others. It's in becoming a mirror.

Once you can name contempt, you start hearing it everywhere — and suddenly you don't want to consume it anymore. You stop listening to podcasts that traffic in it. You stop watching shows that use it constantly. You start noticing the politicians who lean on it, and you realize they're not helping bring anyone together.

And then you hear it in your own voice, and you reach for a better way.

The Eye Roll

Marriage researcher John Gottman calls the eye roll one of the clearest signals of contempt. When your spouse or a family member says something and you roll your eyes, that's a huge sign of contempt.

Tami catches herself far less often these days. And when she does slip, she hears a voice: Tami, you're part of the problem.

That simple awareness — being able to recognize contempt in real time — is transformative. It lets you set the tone. Not just at home with your family, but at school board meetings where you're making public comment. At work. In conversations where you really care about moving forward.

Attack the Problem, Not the Person

One principle from the Dignity Index kept coming up in the conversation: attack the problem, not the person.

It's a reframe that changes everything. A problem is okay to be a problem. A person is never the problem.

Some people argue that certain issues are so serious you have to use contempt to hold someone accountable. Tami pushed back gently: you'll actually be more successful if you do it with dignity. Focus on the facts. The decisions. The outcomes. The actions. Narrate what happened instead of declaring someone evil.

"You're going to have more support and have more success in the problem solving," she said.

She knows this from both sides. She's been the person making public comment at school board meetings, and she's been the elected official on the receiving end of angry citizens. When someone walks up swinging contempt, they've made an enemy of the very person whose help they need. When someone says, "We have a problem and I know you want to solve it too," that's when bridges start to build.

To make that easier in the heat of the moment, the Dignity Index site offers simple phrases you can reach for:

• "Can you tell me more about that?"

• "Can you explain that to me?"

• "That's fascinating — I need to think about that."

• "Tell me how you came to that view."

Every one of those invites conversation instead of closing it down.

The Contempt Industrial Complex

One of the aspects of peacemaking we most overlook, Tami said, is the power hiding in our own daily habits — the things we consume and share.

She called it the "contempt industrial complex."

Every time we click, like, save, and share content full of contempt, we're part of the system. She was honest about how hard this is to resist: you'll spot a meme on Instagram that's a three or four on the dignity scale, decide not to share it, and then circle back later thinking, but it's so funny, my daughter has to see this. The minute you click share, you're part of the problem.

But the same principle that makes this hard also makes you powerful. You have agency. Real agency.

When she sees something full of contempt in her feed from an organization she supports, she emails them. One woman did exactly that — she wrote back to a fundraising email saying, "I don't like the way you vilify public officials. Download the Dignity Index and change how you speak about people."

If your senator or representative starts using contempt, you can email them: "I really like you and I want to support you, but I can't support contempt. I've made a pledge not to do that anymore."

These feel like small actions in isolation. But imagine a thousand people in one community emailing a local representative — or even fifty people sending a congressman the same message.

"That's huge," Tami said. "That would change the whole world right there."

Tips for Becoming a Better Peacemaker

Notice the language around you. In podcasts, on TV, in social media. Don't just consume it unconsciously. See it clearly.

Turn the scale on yourself. Don't worry about scoring other people. Score your own speech. Hear the words coming out of your mouth and ask: is this building bridges or burning them?

Learn the dignity phrases. When you feel yourself getting activated, reach for one: "Tell me more. Help me understand. I think I might be wrong here."

Make one personal commitment. Email an organization whose work you support but whose language troubles you. Tell a leader you care about that you can't support contempt. Stop amplifying content that treats people as problems instead of problems as problems.

Remember: it's not about perfection. Tami said she doesn't live in the dignity zone all the time. Sometimes she visits the contempt part of the scale. The point is to notice. To catch yourself. To reflect.

Visit dignity.us to explore the full scale, the dignity phrase cards, and free resources. Sign up for the weekly newsletter under News — Tami and colleagues Tim and Tom write about the growing dignity movement now reaching into politics, education, business, faith communities, and beyond.

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The All Peacemakers Needed video series features conversations between everyday people exploring the practice of peacemaking. New episodes are released regularly.

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